What have I done?
I am going to preface this blog post by letting you all know that overall I am in a good place. The sun shines every day, I am always surrounded by my family, we have a roof over our heads and FINALLY…there's WiFi (don't underestimate the gift that you wake up to every morning…along with breath in your lungs and what not). But I wouldn't be true to this blog if I also didn't flag that these past 10 days have been tough. Did I know in advance that they would be tough? Yes! Did that prepare me? Meh!
I don't really even know where to begin so let's just get messy with this.
I'm not sleeping well. That seems like a logical starting point. To boot, I didn't come into this move well rested. I worked right up until the very last working day before the move, and Chris hasn't taken a single vacation day either. Going from sleeping on the mattress on the floor at Shan & Jared's (who graciously found a way to fit 5 new people in their home), to sleeping on an air mattress in our apartment has taken a toll on my body. On Wednesday morning, I awoke barely able to move my neck from one side to the next. The following day I received my second dose of the COVID vaccine, and the pain in my arm from the shot joined forces with the pain in my neck to have me up at two o'clock in the morning on Friday with tears of agony falling down my face. I walked around the apartment in the dark, stifling my sobs so I wouldn't disturb anyone's sleep, and finally landed on one of the four lawn chairs we have that acts as my couch, my dinner table and my office all in one. Once there I couldn't help but ask myself the question "What have I done?"
By making this move, I stripped away the things that granted me independence. We only have one rental car at the moment, so if ever I need to go to Shan's for work, the whole family needs to come with me and there are small windows in the day where I can execute that move since both Chris and I still have appointments. I don't have a Visa status that approves me to earn money in the US so I am relying on Chris for every dollar. I've lost all sense of routine and structure since all of our stuff is still on a truck somewhere, the kids aren't in school or camp, so every moment I spend doing anything else is ridden with feelings of guilt because I've uprooted and then abandoned them. I've lost any ability to prioritize since everything feels so urgent right now. The kids, my new role, moving logistics, setting up a new life logistics, my coaching clients, and oh yeah…there's me.
This is the time when many of you are reading this and want to send me messages letting me know that I'm being too hard on myself, and that things will all come together. Rest assured, I know all of this, but thank you for your grace. My dad referred to this yesterday as 'buyers remorse' and yeah, that about says it. When you fantasize about something so much, you plan for it, and finally you get it only to wonder, Is this everything I thought it would be? Did I make a mistake?
I felt this way when I started University. I felt this way when I bought my first house with Chris. I felt this way when I had Kairo. I felt this way when I was first promoted to Director. I felt this way when we bought our last house. I felt this way when we installed a pool in the backyard.
Because of this reflection I know two things: (1) I know this feeling is temporary; and (2) I know that this feeling is rooted in fear. Fear of failure. Fear that I will not be to my sister what she wanted me to be when she asked me to join forces with her. Fear that I will not be able to provide for my family or give them the life I promised them on the West Coast. Fear that I am letting my husband down because he is having to shoulder 90% of the logistics work. Fear that I am not being there for my children in the way they need me to be there for them. Fear that I won't know how to balance my business with my sister's.
What do I do to move beyond this state of fear? SLEEP! Yeah that's the first thing. I know that once my body and mind is rested, I will be able to face my feelings and fears with clarity. TIME! I know that as the days evolve things will begin to fall into place. Our stuff will arrive from Canada and we can begin to make our new home feel more like OUR home. In two weeks, the kids will start school and as such, a routine will begin to take shape making life feel more normal. At the end of the month, a second car will come into effect, which will give me back my independence and make it so that I can be more present in my new role. The Visa process will continue in the background that will equip me to bring in money, but in the meantime, I have a family and a husband who will always ensure they do whatever it takes to make me feel like I'm okay.
As I woke up this morning from a better night sleep (Shan and Jared sent me home with a foam mattress topper), I sat on my single patio folding chair with a cup of tea in my hands. The mug I was drinking from said "IT WILL ALL WORK OUT".
I smiled at the mug and said to myself, "yeah, it fucking will!"