I gave myself an early birthday present…permission & clarity
It’s 10:00 am (yesterday).
I’ve been so up and down these past weeks, so much so that I won’t even post blog this for another 24 hours because that’s how little trust I have in the stability of my emotions. There are mornings I wake up feeling purposeful, confident, and unstoppable like “I’m about a dollar, what the fuck is 50 cents?” (bonus points to whoever can name the song/artist this line is from), and then the next day I’ll wake up feeling defeated, resentful, and desperate to scream into a pillow. So just know that if you are reading this today, I have been on my Kanye West since yesterday (he’s my over-confident alter ego…judge all you want).
It’s 10:00 am (yesterday). The kids are at their first day of school. I feel like I’ve just exhaled from the first drag of a cigarette and I could pour myself a glass of wine. I’ve never smoked a day in my life, but that feeling of relief I see people have from that first draw when they have finally satisfied an internal craving, that’s what I could go for right now. What is the craving you ask? Not nicotine, but CLARITY! exhale
I haven’t been shy about exposing the ups and downs of my journey. This major shift in my life and the discomfort that comes with not waking up each morning with purpose, but with the intent to just get through. Spreading myself across so many different areas, while already at reduced capacity. Too afraid to let anyone down so whatever I accomplished in tasks for others, those same people paid for it with my snapping, tears, agitation, frustration and unresolved resentment. In other words, doing “everything” and yet nothing all at once.
What was this all for? What was the goal? I decided to make this shift 6 months ago because I knew that a year from that day if I hadn’t done anything, I would ask myself “what if?” Now, 6 months later, I find myself at the base of a new mountain of possibilities and have replaced the “what if…” with “maybe I should have just…” as in “maybe I should have just left things the way they were. Stayed in Canada. Continued on in my job while building my Coaching business on the side. Found another way to be totally and utterly fulfilled.” Feeling those words and facing them dead on made me quickly realize that I refuse to waste any more time there.
Two days from today (yesterday) it will be my birthday. Everyone in my family so lovingly wanted to plan special outings or gatherings in celebration of me. I didn’t want the temporary relief in a good meal or good company. I wanted something long-lasting and impactful, that wouldn’t just set the tone for the weekend, but for the rest of my life. I only wanted to gift myself a plan. Or rather, the space to create a plan. Next week I officially start working with Shan and Jared and I wanted to walk into that week with purpose, clear intentions and a plan. I need everything that I do from this moment forward to purposely move the needle toward reaching my personal goals while fulfilling the goals of those I love. No more time wasted. No more resentment. No more doing everything and accomplishing nothing.
I gifted myself a coaching session (and no, I did not do this with my own reflection…though I admit to doing that quite often). I hired a professional Coach. I needed someone to do for me what I have been so successful in doing for so many. I needed the space to get messy with my thoughts and intentions without fear of disappointing the person on the other end or fear that my feelings may burden or offend them. An unbiased ear that was only interested in how I planned on serving myself instead of how I was going to lend my time, energy and care in service of others. Yeah, the words sound hella selfish, but if these past few weeks have taught me anything, it’s the importance of self-fullness. The importance of saying “me first” (self-full) because it’s not the same as “me only” (selfish). That nugget came from Shan during the Happy Main Character Energy Weekend retreat and I’ll never forget it.
When I articulated my plan out loud to be full of self, I could see so clearly how I could contribute to the goals of those around me in impactful ways, without taking anything from me. Because I am clear now on how all areas of my life will increase my light, I don’t have to close myself off from opportunities because I am fearful that people around me are looking to dim it.
What did giving this gift to me cost others? Trust me when I say the people I “disappointed” by giving myself permission to take space and feel my feelings are the same people that if given the choice would prefer dealing with the full of self version of me than the stressed and resentful human martyr version.
For those of you who have stuck it out with me and this blog for the last few weeks while I have exposed my sometimes ugly truth (perhaps to my detriment since I have a Personal and Career Coaching business and there’s a perception of “always having it together” that may be at risk), I want to say thank you. When I started this blog, I was sharing my journey and my learnings in hindsight. Now you are seeing it all unfold in real time and yeah, I’ve been real.
Perhaps you have been reading along with great concern (you know who you are, lol) thinking, “when will it get better for her?”
If you are reading this today, then it’s already started.
“I’m gonna follow my heart and if you follow the charts or the plaques or the stacks, you ain’t gotta guess who’s back”
- Kanye West